I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
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Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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