Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
