Need sex. Gaining weight.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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