Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
