i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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