Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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