He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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