my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
