eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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