Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I need to calm my uterus...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
