I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You left your phone here
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