god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
