I met the friendliest cop last night
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
