I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
