he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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