What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish i was in the wii world.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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