i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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