How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
