god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
