she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
