Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
