I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
