I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I met the friendliest cop last night
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
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someone owes me an orgasm
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We left the knife in your bed.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.