i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
