My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
