The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
