omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Randomize
