the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
