i'm signing you up for texting rehab
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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