I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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