you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
