the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
