how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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