how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
