my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
