On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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