I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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