Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
