now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
