I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
