I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Less talking, more tequila
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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