Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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