There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I am midnight drunk by noon
smell my finger.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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