I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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