I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm like, not good at living.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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