u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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