I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
