So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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