Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
