My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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