i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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