either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
