did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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