i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
