cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
