so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
