you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
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Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
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Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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