a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
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I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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