the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
